Writing Meditations: "...Not all those who wander are lost."

This is it. Here I am writing my first blog post for a site I created to get me to write more. Why, one may ask, are you not just writing your book? Good question and I have an answer somewhere around here, just let me find it. Can you hear the rummaging noises as I pretend to look? Are you shaking your head disapprovingly at me? If you are I wouldn't blame you. You see, I like writing, in all its forms, and sometimes I hate writing just one thing. Sometimes, when I'm writing about a certain character I lose my voice, I forget words, and it feels overwhelming, to the point that I want to give up. Yet, somehow I get a sense of reprieve from stream of conscious writing, and what I like to believe are my meditations.

I do have other outlets, and some times they really, like super super work. Knitting has become a new one for me that I enjoy. I knit washcloths. All my friends tell me that I ought to move on and do something a little bit more interesting but I don't know. I just really like the movement going from the knit to the purl and back to the knit. The feel of the cotton cloth on my fingers as I wind the thread around my little bamboo needles. Most of all, I love the simplicity of it. I think in these days, as the world feels so uncertain, it's nice to do something that is simple and a little easy.

If you've read my about me page then you know two things. One, it's not like, all that useful, and I didn't really say all that much about me. Two, this site is technically not for you, it's for me. Don't leave! I mean, don't take off just yet. I don't mean that I wouldn't love it if you find something here that you like. I'm thinking of doing these little blog posts from time to time and they will be mostly about my writing, mindset, developing stories and process, and pretty specifically in that area. I also want to do reviews of books I like and why I like them. Finally, I am ninety-eight percent sure that I am going to use this site for submitting my work, especially my short stories. If any of that sounds interesting to you then STAY! Please. Ultimately, that really is my aim, but initially, I'm doing this for me.

I currently am a product manager navigating this uncertain world and I just find that when I treat something like business endeavor or side hustle, I am more inclined to take it seriously. Also, there's a ton of fear of being terrible. I have no idea if I am a good writer or if I am writing things people care about. Well actually, that one is super easy, I'm not writing anything anyone cares about, yet. And that, actually is a lie, because obviously I care a great deal about what I'm writing. It's just that writing is a lonely endeavor, and at some point, you really become beset with imposters syndrome. I felt the same way when I first started my current career. With time I have gained more and more confidence and gotten better in a lot of ways, but it took a lot of hustle. It took a lot of work.

In other words, here I am peeking out from purgatory, wondering what the view looks like. It's a fairly low-risk way to actually post something publicly. It's also a way to throw my stuff out there into the ether and see how it swirls. Also, I think if I pay for a domain and some hosting here, there might be some level influence from diving headfirst into the sunk cost fallacy, which could potentially lead me to stick with this. You know, like a gambler who has lost several in a row and just knows that they are going win big this time. Yah, I don't think I really intended to get here, with me comparing writing to a process addiction.

This is hard. I actually thought that I would be able to just bust out this blog post like it was nothing. I thought maybe I'd meander sure, but I have found myself writing a paragraph and then deleting it. Somehow, it feels good too. It could be that I feel so strongly about the complete lack of readers right now. I can be laid bare a bit, and not have to worry because right now, no one is freaking reading this. By the time one person does read this? Well, I may already be on my way to bigger and better things, in blog terms that is. Maybe, by then, I will already have some excerpts on the progress of my current book the Healer. A book that I started writing as a hobby two years ago. I took a look at my life at that time and said hey there dude, what the heck? You said you were going to be a writer by now when you were eleven or something and here you are having written basically nothing, apart from that one story I wrote in second grade that led my mom to think that I was some kind of genius. All moms think their children are some kind of genius at some point or another. They also probably think their kids are some kind of special moron as well but they talk about that a whole lot less.

Should I end by leaving you with the thoughts of the many time your mom almost certainly thought you were a moron? I don't think so, and guess what? I won't! Nope. I'll end on this. I'm excited. I can't say that I will always be excited. I just spent the last three weeks maintaining a fairly rigorous schedule of writing two to three thousand words a day. It was cool. Then this last Wednesday I slipped deep into uncertainty. I was writing what was probably the most important chapter of my story. It's when the character gets done wrong and he finds himself at his lowest low. And for the first time in the last two years of writing this book, I was at a lost. Sure, I'd written some chapters and already deleted them to write them all over again. Yah, I've looked back through some of the stuff I've written and thought it was pretty mediocre and that I could do better. However, this was the first time that I really toiled with how to depict something that really mattered to me. It was absolutely the first time in my life I had actually labored with a character in their worst moment. It was hard, and it had the craziest, tangible, impact on me, that completely took me by surprise -- Wrecked me even.

It was awesome.

Horrible and awesome.

It felt real for the first time. In the end, I hope that's what all of this is truly about. Being real honest. And, I hope that you enjoy my honesty, to the point where maybe you will read one of my books in the future and it will be just what you needed. In the meantime, before I get to super-powered, bust them out three times a year like Brandon Sanderson Riley, I hope you enjoy my journey.

I love you.

Sorry. It's too soon.

Uh, bye.

- Riley